Crisis

For the past few days, I thought I could manage things out. I thought that everything will pan out the way I wanted. I thought I’d be able to recover smoothly. I thought I’d be able to forget the feeling.

I tried not to make a big fuss about anything related to us. I tried not to think of it as something I’d expect something of. I really made an effort to make it normal for us. I just wish I could let it just fade away and live life like she never existed.

But unlike this simple essay, I can’t backspace and change things. I cannot erase the fact that I have fallen in love with her. I also cannot erase that I’m getting drowned to the feeling. I also cannot just undo everything. I really don’t get it. How difficult is it to unnotice someone who doesn’t really care.

I really am blind. I really didn’t see the repercussions of what kind of situation I have put myself into. I really didn’t took everything into consideration before doing it. And now that everything’s a mess – my identity, my confidence, my mind. I just don’t know anyone who can help me get through this. All I know is that I self-destructed and I can’t put myself back to what I used to be.

I feel rotten. Though I know how to pretend, there are certain things that I can’t hide. Certain things which I am still not sure of.

I used to be really good at this. I’m actually really good at advising people. I just don’t know how I lost myself.

It’s quite tiring if you keep on looking for something; and you just can’t find anything. Worse is, you’re alone and unhappy.

Now, I’m very afraid of what kind of person I’m ending up. Day by day, I hate myself. I just wish I know how to give up.
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